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& I don’t want to lose this feeling. This feeling of being complete.
As I sit here once again my mind clutters, I can’t take it I’m too overwhelmed. I lay myself in bed hoping to relax my mind and calm my racing thoughts, but. I put myself to sleep in the silence of the phone not ringing. Because of course, thats what I was waiting for. The quiet which once cradles me now disturbs me. The second time you “forget” about me. It doesn’t surprise me, mostly disapoints me. I wanna be worth someones time, not just another thought in someones mind. I just want to be worth it. What could you have been doing again, mindlessley laying in bed, like me. With all the time in the world? Or maybe you just didn’t want to call. Maybe for the second time, you lied. Maybe for the second time you thought, it might be a good idea. But maybe, just maybe. You picked up the phone, dialed the numbers and something happened. Something completely unrealistic. Maybe I’m just over thinking.
I realize i’m afraid to be alone, but i’d rather be afraid then with any one else. Even the thought of us, maybe, being together sooths me. I can easily just……call you myself. why I am afraid? Afraid of rejecion? Afraid of you saying it was all just a complete misunderstanding your a horrible person i never want to see you again no, that cant be. Afraid of hearing, your way too young and immature for me, i can’t handle it anymore im going back to her. no, that cant be it.
so what am i afraid of? afraid of losing another one of the hundred people i thought was the right one? afraid of having to start over and still be able to trust again after having my heart crushed more times then the number of people i’ve been with?
im just afraid.
if i could give you the world i would. if i could take your pain away and hold it myself i would. but ican’t. there are some things i can’t
change, i just wish i would stand a chance.
i’m just afraid.
I can’t help it. I can’t control it. I can’t stop it. The millions of questions flow through my head, and I just can’t stop it. I ask my stupid question and I await your dreaded response. I’ll call you later. My heart drops down to the sidewalk. My mind: Let go, let go. Let go. My heart: Don’t go, don’t go. Don’t go.